bril-lia-nce (by Lia Lehrer)

One day. Eight hours. Twenty-six dollars. The best city on the planet.

For my birthday a few weeks ago, I had a vision of spending that Friday — the day on which I have no class — on a Ferris-Bueller’s-Day-Off-like exploration of the city I love so much.

With the help of my friends Phil, Benjamin and Lilly, we transformed one unusually warm Halloween day into a day that would make Ferris Bueller proud. Because, as he says in the movie (which, coincidentally, was released the year I was born), “Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

11:14 a.m. — Board Northwestern’s Intercampus Shuttle

Where: Starts at Northwestern’s Evanston campus, ends at the downtown campus near Michigan Avenue and Chicago Avenue
Cost: Free
More information: Northwestern downtown shuttle system

11:54 a.m. — Ask a stranger to take a photo of where you were born

As soon as we got off the bus, I noticed that we were right by the hospital in which I was born — Prentice Women’s Hospital — exactly 22 years earlier. A photo was necessary.

12 p.m. — Museum of Contemporary Art

See the latest in modern art — the political, the historical and the just plain wacky.

Where: 220 East Chicago Ave., Chicago
Cost: $6 for students
More information: Museum of Contemporary Art

12:30 p.m. — American Girl Place

Girls, let the guys take their time in the art museum while you go and relive your childhood. Re-enter the world where strong female role models teach young girls about major historical time periods, from the Depression to Colonial Williamsburg to the 1970s and everything in between. And, yes, you get to play with dolls.

Where: 835 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago (the new store is now in Water Tower Place)
Cost: Free, unless you buy something
More information: American Girl

1:15 p.m. — Disney Store

Who doesn’t love Mickey Mouse, Jack Sparrow and Troy and Gabriella? This is another store not to pass up.

Where: 717 N Michigan Ave., Chicago
Cost: Free to look around and not buy anything!
More information: Disney Store

1:45 p.m. — Have an unexpected brush with fame

As we passed by the WGN studios while walking along Michigan Avenue, we ran into Ronnie Woo Woo (or maybe a RWW lookalike), known as a Cubs fan extraordinaire.

More information: Ronnie Woo Woo

2 p.m. — Spertus Museum and Kosher Wolfgang Puck

Explore the newly remodeled museum detailing the history and culture of Judaism. And while you’re there, grab a wrapped sandwich or salad from the kosher Wolfgang Puck and stop by the gift shop and buy your mother something nice.

Where: 610 S. Michigan Ave., Chicago
Cost: Around $8 for a roast beef sandwich; free to look around the gift shop; $5 student admission to the museum (unless you’re well-networked like we were and could get a sneak peek for free)
More information: Spertus Museum

3 p.m. — Museum of Contemporary Photography at Columbia College Chicago

Feeling artsy? Check out this small but meaningful museum with shots from some of today’s best photographers.

Where: 600 S. Michigan Ave., Chicago (next-door to Spertus)
Cost: Free
More information: Museum of Contemporary Photography

3:45 p.m. — Preview the site of an upcoming historic event

We were in the city just days before Obama’s victory speech in Grant Park, so we went as close as we could to watch the crews setting up for what turned out to be a major success for both President-elect Obama and the city of Chicago.

We then took the Intercampus Shuttle back to campus, arriving in Evanston around 5:15.

11:55 p.m. — Rocky Horror Picture Show

Okay, so it wasn’t quite part of our official “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” afternoon, but after a few hours on campus in the evening, we returned to the city (the Lakeview area) to see the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

We did the Time Warp and we did it again.

Where: Music Box Theatre, 3733 N. Southport Ave., Chicago
Cost: $10
More information: Midnight Madness or the Music Box Theatre

Much later that night — Breathe and get excited for next time

It was an exhausting, amazing day, and I can’t wait to do it again. Shoutouts to Phil, Benjamin and Lilly for being wonderful companions. Items on the agenda for the next trip include the Museum of Holography, Navy Pier, Millennium Park, Garrett’s popcorn and anything else you might recommend.

Not everybody loves Raymond.

I certainly don’t. I find him and his entire family extremely irritating.

In fact, I find his family so annoying that I refuse to watch the show (and when it’s on, because my mom loves it, it hurts).

You could say that it’s a deal-breaker.

But with Michael Scott from “The Office,” who is, of course, equally annoying, I don’t seem to mind it. I’ve thought of some of the TV show characters I find most annoying and analyzed which of them are deal-breakers.

Feel free to debate me or add to my list.

“Everybody Loves Raymond”

Character names: Raymond Barone, Marie Barone, Debra Barone, Robert Marone, Frank Marone

Actor names: Ray Romano, Doris Roberts, Patricia Heaton, Brad Garrett, Peter Boyle

Annoying characteristics: Always yelling and screaming at each other. Situations are uncomfortably uncomfortable and a bit too realistic.

Redeeming qualities: Occasionally work through their problems in humorous ways.

Deal-breaker?: Yes. I will not watch this show if I can avoid it.

“The Office”

Character name: Michael Scott

Actor name: Steve Carell

Annoying characteristics: Is the definition of “awkward” and “tactless.” Says things that make you want to claw your eyes out.

Redeeming qualities: Shows his soft side with Jan and other female characters. Is not a terrible boss on purpose.

Deal-breaker?: No. I still love “The Office.” And the fact that all of the other characters are equally annoyed with Michael makes me feel like I’m in good company while I’m watching the show.

“Arrested Development”

Character name: Gob Bluth

Actor name: Will Arnett

Annoying characteristics: Sorry. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to get myself to watch the show, I don’t remember!

Redeeming qualities: None that I can remember. But at least when you watch him, you also get to watch Michael Cera (George-Michael Bluth).

Deal-breaker?: Yes. I will not watch this show. Though maybe I should give it another chance, because it is supposedly a very good show.

“Seinfeld”

Character names: Estelle and Frank Costanza

Actor names: Estelle Harris and Jerry Stiller

Annoying characteristics: Take the elderly couple in Everybody Loves Raymond and add New York and “Serenity now.”

Redeeming qualities: They let their lazy, adult son, George, live with them in their house. That’s pretty darn nice of them.

Deal-breaker?: No. I live and breathe by the ways of the wonderful world of “Seinfeld.”

“The Nanny”

Character name: Fran Fine

Actor name: Fran Drescher

Annoying characteristics: That voice. And that laugh.

Redeeming qualities: The kids seem to like her.

Deal-breaker?: Yes. It’s a pretty annoying show. Mostly because of Fran’s voice.

“Family Guy”

Character name: Peter Griffen, Lois Griffen, Chris Griffen, Meg Griffen, Stewie Griffen

Actor names: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis

Annoying characteristics: I could never make it through a full episode because of that stupid talking baby man.

Redeeming qualities: The show makes “The Simpsons” appear even funnier.

Deal-breaker?: Yes. When this show comes on before / in between / after “The Simpsons,” I do all that is in my power to find an episode of “Seinfeld” on another channel.

Celebrities have some nerve.

When your face is appearing all over movies, television, newspapers and YouTube, even bringing a child into this world is questionable. The child will live his entire life under the shadow of his famous parents, and will probably go insane because of it.

Then why in the world, oh darling celebrities, would you name your baby “Zuma”?

Yes, Zuma. It’s the name Gwen Stefani named her son, who was born Thursday.

Stefani is not alone. She’s one of dozens of celebrities who thinks she is above the laws and social norms that govern our society by naming her baby something ridiculous.

Gwyneth Paltrow: daughter, Apple; and son, Moses (she must have read the Good Book instead of the Baby Book)
Nicholas Cage: son, Kal-el (will naming him after Superman’s birth names give him special powers?)
Cher: daughter, Chastity (a bit too hopeful?)
Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes: daughter, Suri (when she’s 13, they’ll be saying, “I’m suri we named you that”)
Courtney Cox Arquette/David Arquette: daughter, Coco Riley (”Coco” is apparently short for Courtney Cox. Good thing they didn’t have a son, otherwise he’d be named “Daar”)
Frank Zappa: daughter, Moon Unit; son, Dweezil; son, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan; daughter, Diva Muffin (he obviously wanted his children’s names to be high-scoring Scrabble words)
Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie: Don’t even get me started.

If you were as famous as these celebrities, and could name your baby anything, what would you name him/her? For the sake of this discussion, let’s say the child will not have to deal with the social repercussions of the name.

So, go ahead. What will it be? Banana? Nalgene? Control Alternate Delete? Leave a comment with your celebrity baby name.

When I saw “WALL-E” a few weeks ago, I must have missed something.

It’s likely, since I slept through half of it.

I’ll admit it: I did find a (small) soft spot in my heart for a garbage-compacting robot. Adorable. Really.

And what a message – save the world now before a ping-pong- and musical-loving robot has to do it for you. Like a mushy version of “An Inconvenient Truth.” But Al Gore is more robotic.

While you all go out and buy little pet robots to love, I’ll take a pass and think about what our world has come to.

I’m not talking about global warming. I’m talking about a bigger problem.

We’re running out of ideas.

Disney’s Pixar, the creator of that silly “Waaaaaaaaalll-eeeeeee,” is stretching its imagination to every possible plot. I commend them for that and for giving a voice to the underrepresented populations.

First, it was a lamp. Then, the toys in your bedroom. Then bugs. Then toys again (apparently the toys still had more to say). They made monsters cute and fluffy, and they gave fish quirky disabilities. They created their own brand of superheroes, then turned hoods of cars into mouths and headlights into eyes.

It was at this point that Pixar ran out of ideas.

They created a rat who cooks and befriends pimply awkward teenagers. And then – the garbage-compacting robot.

What could possibly be next?

I’ve asked some friends to contemplate on what Pixar movies they would create. Feel free to comment on these ideas or leave ideas of your own.

Beth K.: Staplers. One time I was playing with a stapler and I accidentally stapled two of my fingers together. I’m looking at one right now, and the place where you put the paper in is like this evil little mouth and it just wants to attack you.

Or, you know what else would be really funny? Dancing push pins. You know, the thing that you, like, stick in a bulletin board? They’re mean and poke you too, but at least they look pretty when they’re shoved into the wall. Maybe they have a secret world when they’re shoved into a wall. The name of the movie? Pinnacle. Or you could even call it Push Pinnacle.

Benjamin S.: I’d say something like turkeys or pheasants, but there was already “Chicken Run.”

Sara K.-S.: I want a Pixar ghost movie. They should’ve done the Haunted Mansion movie instead of that Eddie Murphy monstrosity. It would have ghosts with real emotion just trying to survive undetected in a human world. And then a human who really understands them stumbles into their world and tries to protect them. The dark moment comes when said human believes he/she has failed his/her newfound friends. But then there is a moment of redemption and he/she rushes to the rescue of our heroes. Lia: Didn’t we already see this in “Casper”? Sara: And “Beetlejuice.” And all those kids ghost books that that one chick wrote. But none of the Pixar movies are 100 percent original. They just bring a spark to them that no one else can because they focus on the story over everything else. Pixar has their movies outlined through like 2016 or something. They thrive on pure emotion. It’s the original Disney formula: Tell a story, and don’t just make it funny. Make it real. Give it a moment of true sadness. It’s okay for the audience to cry a little.

Rachel H.: My movie would be about a really brave turtle. Because turtles are cute, and they are known for being scared and hiding in their shells. But my turtle would be brave…because that is a story. A story about a scared turtle would suck.

Khari J.: I would choose a Rolling Stone to tell the story of deadbeat fathers. Sounds like prickly grounds to tell a story, but it sure isn’t Wall-E.

Or the bouncing Wal-mart happy face to tell the story of falling prestige and profit to town centers in small town America’s business districts. That and modern-day slavery in developing countries. Animate that yellow ball and give him a really scratchy asshole voice. All the cheap merchandise could talk, too. Imagine a talking pair of Jelly sandals!

Michael K.: They need to tell the untold story of the Dodo bird. How did it become extinct? THAT is the story waiting to be told. And one young Dodo’s journey to the New World.

The collective group of some of my relatives at the dinner table: A movie about yogurt, beginning with its life as milk and continuing to its journey to its current state.

Estee (my mom): The typewriter would be the hero. Sturdy and reliable, and when all the computers are kicking me offline and crashing and refusing to print my thoughts, the hero of our story never disappoints. The typewriter had been used daily by students, and then sort of tossed aside when the new shiny computers were brought into the house. Here, when a high school term paper is due tomorrow and the computer crashes, the typewriter emerges from the dust to save the day.

Jonathan L. (my dad): In this election year, my Pixar character would be Chad, one of the little rectangular guys that gets punched out of election ballots. Our story describes the unusual relationship that develops between Chad and a young election judge named Jeremy (see Chad and Jeremy) on the night of the 2000 election in Broward County, Florida.

Chad’s extended family includes his wife, N’Djamena, and wouldn’t you know it, she’s pregnant!

The couple has two sons; one hangs around a lot and the other has wonderful dimples. Other characters include Chad’s neighbors, Niger and Sudan.

Chad and Jeremy face the first crisis in their relationship when they both realize that the fate of the republic is in the hands of careless election workers who nearly sweep Chad into the dust pan, nearly causing George Bush to be named president.

Chad’s and Jeremy’s hopes for a new beginning for the country are dashed as the Supreme Court names George Bush president. The film ends with Chad and Jeremy singing the duet “Yesterday’s Gone.“

What Pixar movie would you make?

We watched in shock recently as a polygamist sect in Texas was raided.

The secrecy, the number of inhabitants and the treatment of young girls was alarming. But the members of the Yearning for Zion sect committed a harsher crime.

A crime against fashion.

And the biggest shock? The true identity of the raiders of the lost compound.

We thought it was government and law enforcement officials. Now, a few months later, classified information just released reveals a more astounding truth.

The compound was raided by members of the Fashion Police. Their leaders?

Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, the hosts of TLC’s “What Not to Wear.”

Government officials wanted you to think they were protecting sect members from inhumane treatment; in reality, they were just covering up a major fashion revolution.

It was like in any other episode of “What Not to Wear.” Hidden cameras had been recording the polygamists for weeks, showing their various outfits. Stacy and Clinton watched in awe as the women wore pastel dresses, clunky brown shoes, larger-than-life hairstyles and makeup-less faces. And, just like in all other episodes, the fashion gurus forcefully entered with cameras, announcing that they’d be taking all sect members into custody for some serious makeovers.

“I love that these pastel dresses bring out your eyes,” Stacy said, “but can’t you get a little variety in there?”

Clinton was more concerned about dresses’ shapes.

“You all have beautiful figures,” he said. “Would it kill you to show a little collarbone? Maybe an elbow?

Much to the chagrin of the women, Stacy and Clinton threw away hundreds of the frumpy dresses.

Stacy told the women she understands their need for modesty. But if they’re going to pull off the “I’m just dressing different so I can get massive media coverage” look, they need to really stand out.

They recommended these looks:

For those women afraid to stray from their routine attire, Clinton said, the left outfit is ideal. The earthy tone is a bit more modern than the bright pinks and baby blues, but the style is similar enough to keep the polygamists comfortable. The belt (shall we call it a “bible” belt?) and the black hose accent the look to make the waist look thinner and the legs look longer.

Stacy and Clinton liked the second and third outfits for their outlandish quotient. If these women are going to get any marital or maternal rights, they need the public to take them seriously; and there’s no better way to be taken seriously than by wearing a top hat or a skirt that looks like a dead bird.

The fashion stars brought in Nick Arrojo and Carmindy, the “What Not to Wear” hairstylist and makeup artist, respectively.

Nick reinforced the idea that if the women are going to do the polygamist look, they must exaggerate it as much as possible – that’s what celebrities do.

Nick noticed that the women must be under the impression that having taller hair will let them onto the bigger roller coasters.

Before giving his suggestions, he asked the women to take their hair down so he could fully assess their tresses.

Finding a bit more than he expected, he suggested going all out with the high hair.

He gave one woman this hairstyle:

Another got this one:

“Hey, having hair from centuries ago only fits into the centuries-old tradition of polygamy,” Nick said.

He said he modeled another hairstyle after his favorite celebrity mother:

But it was this last hairstyle Nick designed that really stood out:

With exaggerated clothes and hair, these women merely needed makeup to wow the masses. Carmindy knew just what to do.

She added color:

And texture:

And came up with one final look she thought would do the trick:

“This look will be the solution to the national polygamy problem,” Carmindy said. “Once their husband sees them, he’ll divorce them all.”

South Florida: the seniors’ Mecca. The Promised Land for retirees. The sunniest place to ride off into the sunset.

Pilgrimage to South Florida is the last rite of passage for people in the 55-plus generation. Naturally, the area offers plenty of living options for the snowbirds who fly down for the winter or the immigrants who move here permanently.

Most of these communities have nature-sounding names like Cascade Lakes, Windward Palms or Wuthering Heights. But some of the names leave me wondering if the developers founders meant for the names to be a humorous “last laugh” for their residents.

• High Point of Delray (Delray Beach): Either this age is the high point of the seniors’ lives, or these folks are smoking something.

• Summerville Senior Living (Deerfield Beach): Because in Florida, it’s always summer. Especially when it’s winter.

• Horizon Club (Deerfield Beach): Doesn’t “horizon” usually mean “the end of the way”? You know, the far line that you’ll never quite reach, because there’s always a horizon? Guess what, kids. You’ve reached it.

• Harbour’s Edge (Delray Beach): Is the harbor part of the “life’s a journey on the ocean” metaphor for life? If it is, are the Edge residents leaving for their journey or coming home?

• Easy Living Lifeline Program (Delray Beach): If living is so easy, why do old people complain so much?

• Delray Grande (Delray Beach): I think these folks must have had one too many caramel macchiatos.

• Colonial Inn (Delray Beach): Because the residents were born when there were only 13 states.

• Rustic Retreat (Boynton Beach): “Rustic” usually means “small and in awful shape.” Caveat emptor.

• Atlantis Assisted Living (Lantana): Remember Atlantis, the lost city? I guess they found it.

• Journey’s End (Lake Worth): Okay, I lied. This one’s not a retirement community, but just a general gated community. But wouldn’t it be funny if it was?

You better believe I’ll be looking into these places in winter 2041. Or maybe I’ll just build one and give it my own silly name.

I always keep my camera on me.

Not in case I bump into breaking news or brush with celebrity fame.

It’s for those times I need to get rid of an animal.

Part I: The cat

Once, upon a dreary South Florida midnight, I approached my car, wondering and even fearing a little bit.

I stood there, peering deep into the darkness, when I saw two small spots of lights hovering above my car. I came closer, only to see a cat, perched on top of the trunk of my car, with fiery eyes. It walked around as if it owned the vehicle.

“Excuse me,” I say to the feline, “I need to drive my car. Would you mind getting off of it?”

No answer. Not even a “nevermore.” Stupid cat.

“Please,” I say. “Shoo! Get off! Is that a mouse I see over there? Run!”

“I’m a cat, so I’m better than you,” the cat thinks. “I’m staying right here.”

I don’t know what to do. I want to scare him off my car but I don’t want to hurt him. The solution? My camera.

Flash. Flash. Flash.

Ha! I scared him away.

“Ooh, you think you’re so suave,” the cat thinks. He rolls his eyes at me, then jumps into the street.

Lia: 1. The Animals: 0

Part II: The short-term visitor (the lizard)

Every night, I have to watch out for the dozens of lizards scaling the walls outside my apartment. They usually seem pretty happy where they are.

But the other day, when I opened the door, a little lizard came in. Maybe he knew I was going to be making stir fry for dinner; maybe he knew I was planning on watching episodes of 30 Rock on TV.

But he came in and crawled up and down the inside of the door post.

“Go back outside with your friends,” I advised. He was confused. A young lizard, he didn’t know what to do.

But my Kodak EasyShare CX7530 did.

I took a few flash photos, signaling to the lizard that he needed to leave the premises.

He left, and I slammed the door shut.

“Tell your friends not to come back,” I said.

Lia: 2. The Animals: 0.

Part III: The long-term visitor (another lizard)

I walked into my apartment while on the phone with Beth, getting the latest gossip from the Midwest.

“He went to the formal with – a lizard? Ew, get out!” I said into the phone.

A day or two after the previous incident, another lizard must not have gotten the memo. The four-legged friend was rapping, rapping at my apartment door. I must have been nearly napping and so faintly he came tapping that I scarce was sure I heard him. So he probably flung open the door and entered on his own.

I whipped out the camera to take a photo, but it only led the lizard farther into my apartment. It ran up the peach-colored wall, above my chamber door and to the corner of the living room. It hid behind a picture frame. I turned the lights on and off. I snapped more shots.

“No, the door is this way,” I tried to tell him.

I would have to trap the guy in order to get him out of there safely. What do I catch him in? I got a paper bowl and a Ziploc bag, but I wasn’t able to get him.

He ran onto the carpet, blending in, then hid underneath my printer. And the second I looked away, I lost him.

I looked under the couch and under the table, but still no lizard. Where did he go?

I’ll never find him. I’ll assume he’s here until I see him walk out the door; and even if he does, I can’t imagine he’ll have the decency to tell me he’s leaving, or if he’ll be home by curfew.

But at least this way I’m not completely alone in this apartment – I have a new roommate.

And, best of all, I saved 15 percent on car insurance.

Lia: 2. The Animals: 1.

(A follow-up to my previous post…)

I interviewed a woman over the phone the other day.

“You have a very young-sounding voice,” she said.

I think I’m going to go into hiding until I’m 45.

I was wearing my bat mitzvah skirt.

The woman next to me gave me a once-over.

“How old are you?” she asked. “You look like you’re in high school!”

It would have been a compliment if it had been around 1999, The Year of the Bat Mitzvah.

But it was three days ago. I was a reporter at a press conference about birth outcomes. The woman was a nurse who deals mostly with infants.

Yes, some of my middle school clothes still fit me. Most are outdated, but the gray and black pencil skirt I wore to the Friday night service I led looked good on me then and looks good on me now.

“High school”? Isn’t it rather impolite to speculate on a person’s age? And, come on, I’m the reporter — I should be asking the questions!

But even when I do ask the questions, I get unhappy responses when I bring up the question of age.

It’s accepted practice in most newspapers to mention home towns and ages when quoting people without official titles.

So I muster up all my courage and ask my sources the dreaded question: How old are you?

Men don’t seem to mind telling me that they’re 15 or 43 or 89. And children younger than 10 love declaring their age (making sure I note that they are, in fact, “7 and three-quarters”).

But when you ask a woman how old she is, you’re in trouble.

“Why would you need to know my age?”
“I’m 77, but write that I’m 34.”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Just say that I’m 60-something.”
“I’m old enough to be your grandmother.”
“I need to first clear that by my lawyer.”

These people live in South Florida — chances are they’re receiving Medicare. So what are they trying to hide?

It’s not like I can’t categorize them into an age group on my own. Even in phone interviews, when I can’t see a woman’s gray hair or fanny pack or smell her perfume, her attempt to set me up with her grandson gives me a clue.

In a world laden with identity theft, we give out our credit card numbers and Social Security numbers like evangelists give out bibles. Yet we buy laptop screen protectors and we shred our documents to keep our ages hidden.

Unless the local residents are like me, and they’re younger than 55 and are secretly living in 55+ communities (it’s a long story…), it’s time that people of all ages embrace their numbers.

Youth comes with beauty and age comes with wisdom; so unless they’re middle-aged and must compromise on both accounts, they’ve got nothing to lose.

I proudly declared to the woman at the press conference that I was 21 years old, I’m working as an intern for the newspaper and I can normally be found at Northwestern University in the Chicago.

But maybe next time I’ll find a different skirt to wear.

Photo from whitehouse.gov.

Actual caption:

Surrounded by Chabad rabbis, President George W. Bush signs a presidential proclamation Tuesday, April 15, 2008, in honor of Wednesday’s Education and Sharing Day, highlighting the important work of the Chabad Lubavitch movement. The Chabad Lubavitch movement promotes global education, and since 1978, every president has signed an Education and Sharing Day proclamation. (White House photo by Joyce N. Boghosian.)

Doesn’t quite do the photo justice.

Some other captions I came up with:

• “If I sign this, does this mean you’ll stop kvetching?”

• “Oy vey, the president is such a schlemiel. He doesn’t even realize that he’s making Tzom Gedaliah a national holiday!”

• “So I’ll sign right here, and then you’ll ship me the hat and jacket?”

• “Dear Diary, I met some new people today. They are absolutely nuts. Oh, whoops, they’re still here!”

• “Hahaha. They’ll never understand what I’m writing. I’m writing from left to right, so they’ll never be able to decipher it.”

• “Come on, Mr. President! Sign it already! We are waiting! We have been waiting for years! Always waiting!”

• “Oy. The mashiach will come and go three more times before the Bush presidency is over.” (The Chabadniks believe the messiah has already come, that it was The Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson.)

From my dad:

• “If we stand here long enough, he won’t be able to get away from the desk and declare any more wars.”

• “Hey, Moishe, who’s the guy without the hat?”

• “Purim 2008: U.S. President Rabbi Chaim Moskowitz (standing, in black coat and black hat) yuks it up as he and several members of the Cabinet take part in the annual White House Purim Spiel. In this skit, their deadpan stances nearly convince a skeptical audience that someone as dumb as that goy with the gray hair could actually be president.”

• “President Bush signs an appropriation of $10 million to purchase new uniforms for supporters of Loius Farakhan. Behind the president, recently enrolled members of Farakhan’s organization model the new uniforms purchased by the federal government.”

• “Signaling a new era of creativity in his administration, President George Bush signs an agreement with the Union of Orthodox Rabbis. Their beards will be used as emergency housing by FEMA in the event of another flood in New Orleans, provided that the flood lasts 40 days and 40 nights.”

What would you caption the photo?

And in case you haven’t had enough of Jews and presidents (or wannabe presidents), here’s another photo from the week:

Photo from msnbc.com.

Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., addresses Jewish community leaders Wednesday, April 16, 2008, at Congregation Rodeph Shalom in Philadelphia. (AP Photo.)

Better caption?:

• “After complaints from congregants, the leadership at Congregation Rodeph Shalom in Philadelphia decided to bring in an outside speaker to deliver the Yom Kippur Appeal.”